Today we had LM's 7th birthday party although tomorrow is his official birthday. I started blogging when he was nearing one so that means that I have been on this site a whole lot longer than it feels. Some of you have been with me from the very beginning, can you believe it?
I started the blog because I needed an outlet for all the problems we were having with baby LM and his developmental issues. I was obsessed with his being autistic and I can still remember the first time he really made eye contact with me and smiled. He was about 14 months old. In contrast, Baby A was giving us the smiley love around month 4.
I can still recall being told he was mentally retarded by the developmental pediatrician and when I asked if I should stop his college fund she said he could probably go to a junior college.
But here we are all these years later and I have to say, I have a pretty awesome and smart kid. He is loving first grade and is behaving in school and I even got told by the guys running his extended day room that he is the first one with the pleases and the thank yous and that even when he has an off day, he is still pretty polite.
At his party today he rocked our world when he passed out goody bags and thanked each individual kid for coming.
He loves all things ancient Egypt and has begged me, literally begged me to take him to the Museum of Fine Art because he loves to go through the ancient Egyptian wing and see all the other exhibits in the museum. I am not kidding, I reserved discount tickets through our library for next week and for 3 weeks now he has been counting down the days on our calendar.
He is starting to read, and does a pretty good job of it too, although he claims he doesn't enjoy it. He rather we do it for him. I wish he were a little more excited to learn to read, and I keep playing up all the cool things he can now understand, signs and directions, but still, he drags his feet over having to do it.
He can be very shy and sometimes antisocial, especially with new kids or ones he hasn't seen in a while. That said, when he is with his friends and with his sister, he can be the life of the party. He has inherited the comic goofy gene from his dad.
He is obsessed with birds, especially parrots, and he loves to draw and play the wii marble mania game and lordy I am thankful for that because it is the only way I can get him to do his homework without a fight. It is the point now when he runs at me with my hands full of dinner prep and begs to do homework because he knows he can earn wii game time. I hope he is obsessed with it a good long time because I never want to go back to the times we both cried from stress trying to get it done with him.
Yes he is a handful sometimes and the ADHD is a part of him that can reduce B and I to tears but the older he gets, the more wonderful he becomes.
I am just so thankful that he is ours.
Behold, our home made homage to ancient Egypt - in cake form! Not one of our best works but the kids liked eating the pyramid.
For most of my adult life dentists have wowed over the fact that I never had a cavity but tried to find ways to deal with all the pits in my teeth that make them look forever yellowed and gross. Unfortunately, no solutions are covered by insurance since they are deemed "cosmetic" no matter how the dentists tried to process it.
But, with a few out of pocket cleanings a year, things were mostly held in check until a couple of years ago when I started developing "deep pockets" around the wisdom teeth. I had to see gum specialists and have some deep cleanings and the verdict was that I could have my wisdom teeth removed or I could basically count on these deep cleanings and trouble every year.
So 6 months ago I scheduled my surgery for January 4 because I would be able to use flexible spending money of 2012 to pay for the $350 which is not covered by insurance. Then I forgot about it because, hello? Six months ago.
When the dentist called with the reminder I panicked a little because I had this new job and I didn't want to make a bad impression by taking time off so early in the game. I explained it to my boss who vividely rememberred his own surgery and he told me to take the day after the surgery off. Then he said he didn't want to talk about it anymore because it was making him sick just thinking of his own memories of it.
Surely it couldn't be so bad? B had his out soon after we moved in together and I remember picking him up from the dentist's office and having him be so delighted at how slurred and ridiculous he sounded that he wouldn't shut up. I desperately wanted him to do so because his mouth smelled rotten and every time he thought he was being funny, he was just grossing me out. We weren't even married yet. But that is my only memory of his procedure. In my mind, he snapped back from it pretty quickly.
My own experience was well, not so fabulous.
For those of you who never had this done, or had it done so long ago they can't remember, basically they numbed and injected my mouth and gums in many places until it felt like my tongue was a large but uncrusty baguette and when I spoke, I very much resembled a stroke victim. Then it was plier time! (not to be confused with Hammer time but feel free to hear MC Hammmer singing around in your head).
The top two came out in seconds and with nary a gross cracking sound. The bottom two, well they fought back.
At one point, the dentist had the assistant hold my head down - one hand on my forehead, the other on my chin, while the dentist twisted and yanked and all but asked me if it was safe. (Do you get my Marathon Man reference? Well, do you?) I heard sounds that I hope to never hear again. I panicked a few times and they had to stop and let me sit up for a bit. Eventually, after about 20 minutes of this, the last one finally gave up its fight and popped out of my mouth.
Then the fun really began.
They don't put me under so they told me upfront that I could drive home. What they didn't tell me was that I couldn't control my mouth and the fact that there would be a steady stream of blood dripping down my chin. I didn't know this until the person working the pharmacy actually cringed and covered her mouth when I handed her my prescription for vicodin.
So they go over the instructions of what I need to do over the next couple of days. Basically, it amounts to not eating anything harder than yogurt and taking 4 ibuprofin pills every 8 hours and a vicodin at night. Then, they bring me some ibuprofin to get me started.
Here's the thing, if your mouth is numbed up but good and your tongue is for all intensive purposes, a dead snake, it is very hard to swallow pills. In fact, it took me about 5 attempts before I got 2 down and during this time water splashed out of my mouth and all over my clothes and the hygienist said to another that "this was her favorite part."
I can't blame her. I think if I were watching a video of this I would laugh my ass off. When swallowing water becomes something that one cannot do without hi-jinks ensuing, you might as well get a laugh track.
I would have to fish around in my mouth to see if there were still pills that did not go down. There usually were.
Then it was off to CVS where I grossed so many people out unwittingly as I did not realize that I had bloody drool all over my face until I got home. I thought the people looking at me and then quickly averting their eyes and rushing the other direction were reacting to my outfit. Then it was just my kids laughing at me and making fun of my speech. B too. Kids can be so cruel.
What I was really not expecting was how bad the recovery pain would be and how long it would last. I was waking up at 3am in pain because the meds had worn off. This was still going on a week later. I consulted my good friends on the book of face who suggested things like "dry socket" which is some horrifying painful thing that can happen when getting your wisdom teeth removed.
I finally called and spoke to the dentist a week after and he sighed audibly several times during the conversation, especially when I would say things like, "Some people I spoke to said I might have dry socket" or "I didn't get a little thing to clean out my wisdom teeth holes but a lot of people I spoke to said they had to do that when they got theirs out."
I think my favorite quote of his was, "Were any of these people dentists?" It reminded me of a time when I was freaked out about something going on during my pregnancy with LM and I ended up in urgent care and the OBGYN on call, after hearing me out, said, "Why did I even bother to go to medical school when there is now Google?"
But there was another side effect as well, I developed these horrible headaches despite being on massive doses of ibuprofin. I am someone who hasb't had many headaches in her 42 years so when I get them and they don't go away with meds and they last for days, I immediately think "brain tumor." Yes, it is because of my mom. Her tumor was growing for years and we never knew and she never knew and they kept asking us, "Didn't she ever complain about headaches?"
So, after once more seeking advice on the book of face I went to see my doctor who told me what one of my FB friends said it was, a "rebound headache" from taking high dosages of ibuprofin for close to 2 weeks. He told me to go meds free for 5 days and if I still had a headache to take Excedrin and if it was still happening to call him.
Three days meds free and no more headaches.
He did look in my chart and commented that I had come in last January with headaches too and that time it was the result of a massive sinus infection. He joked that January was my headache month.
It has been about 2.5 weeks since my wisdom teeth were removed and I am just starting to feel normal again. I did not like the constant pain and I really feel for people who live with chronic pain because it is hard to function and be nice and not snap at everyone when you are hurting.
I am so happy that these suckers can only come out once in a lifetime!
I don't know about anyone else's workplace but mine is an interesting mix of holiday spirit and stress. We have a lot of end of the year contractual agreements that we are working overtime to fulfill and that, combined with the metric ton of home made cookies and cakes that people bring in, is making for a loopy bunch of workers. That and twitchy.
I had several very late nights this week and yesterday, the day before the long Christmas break, 90% of my office was either working from home or out on vacation which meant that there were wide spans of totally empty cube aisles. I joked on FB that I felt like skipping through them singing, "I think we're alone now!" and was urged on by many of my friends.
I almost did it a few times but I am still relatively "the new girl" so didn't want to make too much of a reputation for myself.
But I did move to sit next to some of the people I needed to work closely with rather than sit in my empty lonely cube configuration devoid of neighbors. It was fun being increasingly goofy and loopy and since it was just me and bunch of guys, at one point we started all giving each other the finger over little sleights. It was tremendous fun being "one of the guys" if only for one very sugary day.
We have been having a really great Hanukkah. Turns out a large chunk of my work colleagues are fellow "members of the tribe" so we got to talk latkes and no one batted an eye when I said I had to leave early one day (if you can call 4pm early) to get to a kid's Hanukkah party.
Since most of the friends I have met via LM's school mates are Jewish, one of them put on an awesome potluck party for the first night and it did my little heart good to see them all bonding over playing dreidels and eating chocolate gelt. My dad came over and brought each kid their own menorah. A was so thrilled she slept clutching it to her chest. Here she is wishing you a happy 4th night.
But as we turn to Christmas and ginger bread house making, I need to tell you a story. Recently I saw this short (10 minute) film. There is hardly any dialogue but it is pretty moving. The basic idea is that you never really know how any good deed you do can spread and help many more than the intended. The ripple effect if you will. Well worth watching and also it makes me so happy that amateur filmmakers can get a chance to practice their art and share it via the internet. Yes, there is also a crapload of junk out there as well, but as someone who used to spend most of her free time going to film festivals, and who now is tied to hearth, home, and cubicle, I will take any chance to see quality independent films, short or long.
So here is the story. Back around February or so this year, after I had been working at my job after being unemployed for close to 2 years, I read a story online that really spoke to me. It was an Associated Press piece about a couple in Las Vegas who were struggling because of the recession. Since I have a lot of family in Vegas, I was aware of the fact that it has been hit harder than other cities.
Anyway, the couple were struggling to keep their house and kids together. There was little food in the house, there was depression, there was a lot of what you would expect from people facing really hard times.
The timing was such that I had a job, had recently received our tax refund, and was trying to pay back all of you good people who had sent me money when we were in need. Many people had basically told me they didn't want it back and to pay it forward.
So I did.
I wrote the journalist who wrote the piece and asked if there was a way I could send money to this woman. She put me in touch with the subject of the story herself. We had some back and forth email and I sent her a check for $500.
Soon after I regretted this. I had been too impulsive. I had no idea about this woman other than what I read in the story and a few emails. For all I knew, I had just done something really stupid.
In fact, soon after some unexpected bills arose and we were squeezed pretty tight for money and I just felt a lot of regret. I was embarrassed by what I had done.
But time passed and soon I actually just forgot about the whole situation until yesterday when I got an email from her. It was an email she had clearly sent to all of the people, like myself, who had sent her money after her story was on the news. The subject line was "Holiday Greetings." I am going to paste the email below and just x out the names and personal info:
With Christmas almost here, I've been doing alot of reflection over this last year, and with the considerable amount of stories making the news about random strangers paying off lay away accounts, water bills with shut off days looming, and whole lines of starbucks customers paying it forward; I couldn't help but think of all of you. I just wanted to take a few minutes update you on the changes since we were last in contact:
Unfortunately my marriage didn't make it through the tough times but God blessed me with amazing people (including all of you) in my life who carried me through the process. What I wasn't capable of expressing earlier this year was that at the same time that the story came out was when J had left. I don't know how I would have survived (paid the bills, kept the house and my sanity) without all of you stepping in. During the most challenging time of my life, all of you helped built the bridge over which I crossed during those dark days; as it was, it took all the energy I had just to focus on my children, myself and our grief at that time. Upon reflection, it was the greatest miracle of my year.
But without J, our lives have improved signifcantly. I still have our sweet little home; I now have a entry level internship with the federal government; my oldest daughter has decided to go live with her real father in California (a good opportunity for her, I think, in her life journey), and this condensing of our household has allowed me to have a manageable load on my shoulders. Considering my younger daughter's recent diagnosis of juvenile diabetes, I see God's plan during this past year. He removed the obstacles over this past year that needed to removed to allow me to have the time and emotional ability to give all the care and attention that was needed to my little girl:)
It may be odd for me to say, and really mean, that I have never been so grateful for my life today, but it's the truth. I was trying so hard to hold together this picture perfect life but I realize now that I was clinging to people in my life who wanted to be let go of. What I gained from this last year was the opportunity to reach out to God when everything was falling apart and ask him to rebuild me into the person I have always wanted to be and he did. Sure, there are still the average life struggles, but I have never had so much peace and lack of chaos in my life and it's an amazing differences in my health and relationships.
What I have wanted to say to all of you, is that, looking back on this past year, I see now how all the pain of this last year was really the rock upon which God has shaped me into this new person. It was truly evident the day at the hospital last month when I was able to show up as the mother I had always wanted to be for my daughter. For this I owe all of you a special place in my heart. Your help allowed me to focus on myself during (literally) the most difficult time of this past year which began the process of transforming into the person I have become. More importantly your letters of kindness and support showed me that God works his miracles through people like you, and when I felt lost, alone, and doubtful of God's plan for me, it was the memories of all of you that allowed me to retain hope that all my hardships were part of God's plan too.
Thank you again for everything, I hope you all have a safe and merry holiday, full of laughter and loved ones and know that I think of all of you with love and gratitude every single day.
This email made my year. Yes, all the God stuff never ceases to make me uncomfortable but to each their own. What matters is that I made a difference in someone's life, even if I regretted it for a time and then plum forgot about it. I am just so happy to know that something I did made a positive difference for someone.
This plus my volunteer work last weekend has made me realize that I want to do a lot more for my fellow "man/woman" in 2012 and beyond. Prior to volunteering last weekend, I hadn't done any volunteer work for years. Too many years to count. But now that the kids are older and we have income, it is going to be easier for me to work with B to carve out time for social action.
That's the plan at any rate.
I hope you have a super duper Christmas, from my stony faced daughter, smiling son, and creepy Santa to yours.
I overheard B recently explain to the kids that I didn't grow up with Christmas and he didn't grow up with Hanukkah but now that we celebrate both, I tend to love Christmas more than Hanukkah and he actually loves Hanukkah more than Christmas.
The funny thing is he is right. I am the one clamoring and excited to get a tree in the house and decorate it with our plethora of silly ornaments. Yes we have a Star Ship Enterprise that lights up, a framed Velvet Elvis, and more than one steaming cup of coffee ornament amongst our very goofy collection. I also love Christmas music and sing along, even if it is the super religious stuff about a "king being born." I just pretend it is Elvis they are talking about.
I love the lights that people put up outside their homes. I love the green and red of it all.
Over the past couple of years I have made friends with some moms of LM's classmates. Ironically, all of them are Jewish or, like us, part of an interfaith household. One mom was shocked that I "allowed" a tree to come into the home. I had to explain that the first time it was a little weird but how I fell in love with the smells and the ornaments and how now it is part of our family tradition. I am sure that makes me a lot less of Jew in her eyes and I can handle that because the long and the small of it is that both B and I are more or less atheists who are trying to honor both of our family's treasured traditions.
Today we set up all of our Hanukkah decorations and the kids had fun with the felt candles, putting them in the right candle holders and I told them the story of Judah and the Maccabees and I saw B's mouth start to water over the potato latkes and homemade jelly donuts that are tradition with the holiday.
Holidays tend to make people think of their families, and in truth, I have been thinking of my mom a lot of late. I swear I can hear her in my head as I have little conversations with her about what I should get for various people.
You see, my mom was a legendary bargain shopper. The woman never paid full price for anything but more so, she would shop all year round and keep everything in a section of the basement she referred to as "her store."
Oftentimes, when I needed a gift for someone, she would offer to let me shop in her store and would sometimes give me discounts. "See this? I paid $4 for this, but for you $3.99!"
Mom always gave lots of people small presents. She gave something to everyone she worked with, to everyone she dealt with on a regular basis, to friends old and new. When I say she would wrap and give about 40 presents to non-family members each holiday, it is not an exaggeration. In addition, she would always donate her time and shopping skills for a local charity that collected warm clothing for local underprivileged kids.
Back when I was in my late 20s, I was a manager at my company and had a staff of 13. I wanted to get them all something but didn't have a ton of money and my mom took me to some of her favorite discount stores and pressured me to buy these kind of ugly candles and mugs to fill with chocolate kisses for them. In the end, I spent $3 a person but I felt terrible giving people what I considered useless cheap clutter.
This is why I don't have a store of my own. Not everything my mom bought and gave was useless cheap clutter, but I have a terrible intolerance of stuff like that.
Every year I have to think of what to get for the kid's teachers and how many I can buy for. It is nicer now that LM has one teacher and A only has two. But there is also the 2 guys who run LM's extended day room. And what about the 2 women who have come to clean our house every other week for the past 2 months? And what of the 4 home health aids that take care of B's parents? Essentially, there were 11 people I am not related to that I felt strongly that I had to give something to.
In my head I could hear my mother urging me to buy mugs and fill them with candy. "People just want a token that you remembered them" she says to me. In CVS I hear her say, "Look Russell Stover chocolates are buy 1 get 1 free!" Mom! Everyone knows Russell Stovers are the cheapest most plastic tasting candy of them all! "But they are are buy 1 get 1 free! Bam, buy 3, get 3 free - you are done with the teachers!"
When I told her that the cleaners had only come to clean our house 3x, she told me to just leave them a thank you card but when I told her that no one around this time of year sees a card for them, opens it up, and upon seeing just a note of thanks with no $$ would be very happy, she went on a bit of a rant. She did not think my Dunkin Donuts gift cards were a good idea.
It didn't make me sad. Actually, it made me laugh to think of her and what she would be telling me now. I had to agree with her that the $200 I spend on gift cards for these people was above and beyond and crazy because it ate up 50% of my whole budget before I even thought about what to get for the kids, B, my in-laws, my dad, brother, etc. Not to mention buying presents for donations for the charities that each kid's school supports.
This year got a little out of hand with the whole $$ and holiday spending thing.
But today I went to help prep for a big party for kids who are homeless and live at shelters. My cousin is friends with a family who run this incredible charity wherein they put on a gigantic Xmas party for 3k local kids and their parents. Each kid gets a present that they asked "Santa" for and the party is like the best festival with food, rides, face painting, entertainment, petting zoos, and all sorts of amazing things. (I accidentally first had this as "petty Zoos" which I kind of love!)
The day before, today, was a set up day and I was only there for 4 hours. I was stationed in the toy room unloading and organizing toys that were donated. You know when you donate a toy and you are told to bring it unwrapped? Well not everyone listens so much of my job was ripping off lots of pretty wrap so I could organize the toys based on gender/age/type and then later on they were wrapped by an army of volunteer wrappers.
There were rouhgly 300 volunteers just in the room I was in today which was only one of many rooms being worked on today. It was amazing to see all the volunteers of all ages helping out. One boy, zipping along in his wheel chair, helped me deliver toys intended for a specific shelter. He wasn't even 10 years old himself.
I was awed by many things. First of all, by the sheer amount of toys donated and the amount of volunteers I saw. I was awed by the fact that there are just so many homeless kids in my little neck of the globe as it is. Boston isn't the largest city in our country but 3k kids without homes? It is staggering. Simply staggering.
But still, the fact that so many people had clearly gone out of their way to try to do something for these kids, whether through donating their time or money, well it made me like Christmas all the more.
And Hanukkah too because it must be said the couple who started this whole thing over 20 years ago? They are an interfaith couple too trying to teach their kids about both their religious traditions.
I thought of my mom today too as I ran around sorting presents. I thought of how generous and loving and giving she was, even if she specialized in the marked down categories.
And my heart grew two sizes that day...or at least felt like that after my breakfast of 20 ounces of coffee and half a donut.
I am not yet adjusted to the pace of my new job but basically when I get to the office at 8:30am, I don't see the sun again that day. I eat at my desk while working, some days I have 6 hours of meetings. I leave at 4:55pm because that seems to be the perfect time wherein I don't end the day in a mad adrenaline rush of will I won't I be at A's daycare by 5:30pm. You see, at 5:31 I would have to pay up $10...for being a minute late.
I can see why they do it, after all, they have lives too. And in truth, it is very motivating for us parents to not be late. But still, probably a few times a month I have to pony up the cash for being 1-2 minutes late to pick her up and it sucks.
But then after the kids are fed, bathed and in bed and dishes are done, I typically have at least 30 more minutes of work to do which means it is pretty much on my mind.
This week was also exceptional in the crazy because we also had our company holiday party. It was at a fancy schmanzy hotel in Boston and we hired a sitter and B and I got all dressed up (because there was an actual dress code for this party sent out by HR!) and went out. It was a lot of fun and in truth, I can't quite remember the last time B and I were dressed up together and out on the town. There was even dancing, and despite the fact that I just drank water all night because I don't like the taste of wine or beer (I know, I am a philistine), I still danced despite the lack of "social lubrication" that alcohol provides.
I am not sure if I mentioned it here, but about 4 weeks ago I started going to group therapy. It is every Monday night from 7:30-9pm and it is just for motherless moms of young kids. It has been a very awesome forum since everyone in the group lost their moms to cancer, some of us before we had kids, some afterwards. Even the psychologist who leads the group lost her own mom when she was 12.
What surprises me about the group is that I am not the youngest person in it. About 3/4 of the group are in their early 30s and just have a baby. One woman lost both her mom and her father to cancer within a year of each other. It is horrifying how widespread this disease is.
I have to say I am also amazed at the anger many of these women feel towards their in laws. Most of them live nearby and it is all about their family traditions and how these women feel their own traditions are not being honored since now they spend so much time with the in law family. Clearly my perspective here is skewed since my own in laws are in such terrible physical shape and so fragile that I can't feel anything other than compassion for them.
Just to also prove that I am still an asshole, one whole session all I could think was how ugly one of the women's shoes were. I wish I could have taken a picture for you but let me just describe them. They were stiletto heeled (really? for Monday night group therapy? The 4 inch stiletto heel?) But get this, they were also ankle booties with furry tops. And open toes. Furry tops, open toes, stiletto heels.
I swear I could not focus on a word she was saying because I kept wanting to mouth the words, "Why?" when looking at her feet.
And it isn't like her outfit merited such fanciful footwear! She had on jeans and a tshirt.
Anyway, being a footwear bitch aside, it has been a very good experience for me to have a supportive group of women that I can talk about my mom and dealing with life without her without feeling like I am depressing them or bringing them down in any way. It is amazing to see how similar we all are and how we can help each other navigate the holidays and issues with young kids. I am not saying I made any new best friends, but it is certainly nice to know I am not alone.
In other news, we put up our Christmakah tree, complete with tacky and goofy ornaments and lights. We also put up our Chanukah decorations and it is fun seeing how excited the kids are for the season. What is not fun, is the lack of winter around these parts. I know last year we spent covered under feet of snow and had record numbers of snowstorms, but it is strange how we are into the second week of December and it is still rather mild outside, not yet a blistering cold, and nary a snowflake to be seen.
I might regret I said that in a few months after the snow does come and I am weary from the constant shoveling.
Apparently the colon cancer was in its early stages and the surgeon was able to remove the entire tumor which is somewhat of a miracle. I guess my only experience with cancer is that it leads to chemo and then death so the fact that a surgeon thinks he will make a quick recovery is pretty surprising.
B's dad is still in the hospital though. Even with the cancer and recent surgery, he still has Alzheimer's, muscular neuropathy, and advanced diabetes so I am sure that is going to keep him from a full recovery. At this point we are not sure when he will be released and, if so, if he will go home or straight to a rehab facility.
Work has continued to be fast and furious. I find that the days fly by and that aside from a few purloined glances at Facebwak with my iphone, I am doing precious little personal on the computer which means I am behind in emails and blog reading.
It had been so long since I had a really active job that I forgot the pace. On the one hand, I like it because I am so busy and I feel like I am learning things and making a contribution, on the other hand I don't want the expectation to be that I am one of those people who works every second they ca, including nights and weekends. But, as I complained to my cube mate about how meetings pop up on my calendar 5 minutes before they start and I have no idea what they are for and that I just wanted to finish the task I was working on, she laughed and said, "Welcome to <insert company name>."
I won't lie though, the first paycheck was sweet! It was close to double my last one from former job. Although the 401k contribution hasn't kicked in yet.
I am trying to recover this weekend. We have no actual plans other than things like going to the gym, getting our Christmaskah tree, and hanging out with the kids.
Speaking of them, they are demanding breakfast so later gator.
Thanksgiving used to be my favorite holiday. When I was a kid, it was like a second birthday party because it was always within a week of my actual birthday. We'd travel to my grandmother's house and my uncle, the same one who lives in Las Vegas and is now sort of a surrogate grandfather to my kids, would make me these really cool cakes. It pays to have someone who went to culinary school in the family.
The holiday is different now since my mother has died. Now I am the one who makes the meal and tries to make it special for my kids and my dad. Last year we were able to mask it by hosting my friends who were here from Israel and wanted to experience a truly American holiday. This year it was just us. That and work.
It became apparent last week that the big rush to get me started with the new job, moving so fast between interview and paper offer, was that they needed me to work the big Black Friday/Cyber Monday release. You see, my company supports merchants and credit card companies and banks and this being the biggest shopping weekend of the whole year, it is a big deal. What this meant is I worked two 12 hour days in a row (Tuesday and Wednesday), then had to put in about 4 hours Thanksgiving morning, log in again Thanksgiving night and work until midnight, work off and on on Friday, and get up at 5:30am this weekend to ensure Black Friday was down on the sites.
Sunday night I will be working until midnight getting Cyber Monday up and at em.
It is exhausting! It also meant that I had to do things like speed cook chestnut stuffing and home made cranberry sauce Wednesday night around 10pm while engineering was trying to figure out an issue.
The result was that B had to take on a lot of the childcare, the kids got to watch a lot of TV and dinners involved pizza and leftover Halloween candy.
Through it all we put on a good meal, although my dad choked on a pearl onion and actually threw up a little at the dinner table. He is ok mind you, but I rushed to get him a bowl to use like I do the few times LM has had a stomach flu.
We got in the car and drove an hour to see my perpetually angry cousin who was hosting her three kids and her mom, my great aunt who has Parkinsons Disease and who never thinks I call or visit enough. I had contacted my cousin to suggest we come over for dessert. I had thought it was a good idea because I know she and her mom think I don't do enough to keep in touch and see them and also, I didn't want to be a burden for the whole meal.
I suggested that I would bring pies and cookies and a box of coffee thinking to be the least bit of an imposition as possible.
Sometimes you have to translate for people with a difficult communication style. For example, when B's family would say something like, "We'll be there at 4pm" I know it means, "Hopefully we will see you at 7pm if we don't get lost."
When my cousin says something like, "Don't come earlier than 4 and if you bring pie you are taking it home with you. I have a coffee maker you know, I'm not my mother," it means, "We'd love to see you, just bring yourselves!"
Also, when my dad says, "I went to CVS to get my passport pictures taken so you can use them for my obituary," it means, "I forgot that I have already given you 3 different pictures that I want you to use for my obituary even though I am in good health now but I still spend most of my time and energy preparing for my death and making you very very depressed."
Compounding issues was the fact that earlier in the week my left ear started to hurt. I have such awful skin, combining the best of teen aged acne and aging you can imagine. I just assumed it was a painful zit on the inside of my ear but it kept getting worse. It hurt to lay on that side, I was popping ibuprofin just to chew without pain.
Finally, on Friday, I called the doctor and got seen on Black Friday (sadly no discounts on prescriptions on the biggest shopping day of the year). He stuck that cone thing that they use on the kids into my ear and I yelled so loud the doctor jumped back. Diagnosis? Raging ear infection and it was spreading to the second ear.
So now I have ear drops and antibiotics.
My poor dad, he came in for a family holiday and got a meal that made him literally barf a little. He had a moody tired in pain overwhelmed daughter. He had more obituary pictures. In the end, he left Friday morning when I had to jump on a 10am call in meeting. I think he had wanted to stay until Saturday but these holidays aren't what they used to be.
Later on, I asked B if this was our worst Thanksgiving but he denied it and recounted two more. One, two years ago when he flew to share the holiday with his parents and was so depressed he called me crying several times. It was also the last one I spent with my mom before she started showing signs of the brain tumor.
There was another one when LM was not quite 2 and we were staying in hotel in Bakersfield, CA and LM was so sick with rotavirus that he had explosive painful poops and could not sleep so we ended up driving around at the wee hours and noticed all the people lined up outside stores. At that point I had no idea what Black Friday was. On that sleepless night, trying to get our sick kid to sleep, we drove around to all the major stores in the dead of night to see who had the biggest line.
In retrospect, that last one is sort of a nice memory now. At the time we were so sleep deprived and tired and worried about LM. But now I remember running into Starbucks at 4am and having to wait in line for 10 minutes behind all the energized and excited bargain shoppers getting their coffee fix before returning to their places in the Best Buy line.
So B and I hugged each other and basked in the fact that this was not our worst Thanksgiving yet, just our 3rd worst.
Then we got the call. B's dad was in the hospital from internal bleeding. Tests were done, a mass was found, most likely colon cancer. Surgery is today in California.
B's dad has been going downhill so fast over the past 2 years so in a way it is not a surprise. He was also the type of guy who never went to the doctor for regular checkups or tests. This could have been growing for years, who knows?
But one thing is for certain, we have cancer and Parkinsons on both sides of the genetic family. Another wonderful gift we have provided our children, alongside the too tiny ever shrinking family.
This may have elevated this Thanksgiving to the #1 or #2 spots after all.
Sorry I have been away so long, the truth is I was locked out of it by Typepad because I was a deadbeat blog owner.
I forgot that there is an annual fee here and my credit card on file had expired and yadda yadda yadda I saved it in the nick of time!
So here is what is going on.....
I just finished my first full week of work at my new job and I LOVE IT! So far it has an ideal combination of a communicative and supportive boss, helpful and nice people to work with, interesting things to learn, and an interesting new market to be in. On Thursday there was a 90 minute meeting for all new employees hired within the past 3 months to basically learn more about the company, the industry space we are in, and how all parts interact with each other. Normally, if I had been told I had to sit in a meeting for 90 minutes I would have attempted to virtually slit my wrists, but in reality it was a totally fascinating presentation and I came out of it all the happier for my decision to come there.
Thursday night I got an email from my new manager telling me how glad he is that I joined the group and how impressed he was with how quickly I was coming up to speed and taking ownership of my first project. It was such a night and day difference from my last boss who never gave me feedback of any sort and certainly never praise. As a former manager myself, I had even lost sight of the idea that part of a manager's job is to actually encourage the employee.
It isn't all rainbows and unicorns though. With a better opportunity and more money, I do have to do things like be up at 5am on Black Friday and Cyber Monday to test websites from home. My boss and my new work team seemed to be apologetic that my first project involved working over the long weekend and at such odd hours but it didn't even phase me. I am up early anyway, granted not that early, but if I can wow people with something that is not even that much of an imposition for me, so be it!
And did I mention the sweet commute?? My old job was 30-45 minutes in highway and city traffic, paying $3 in tolls a day and $265/month to park in a garage in Boston so I could pick the kids up from school on time. That is $325/mo just to get to work!
Now, it is a 20 minute drive through lovely back roads, not a highway in sight. No tolls. No charge for parking. Just 7 miles of lovely homes and trees to look at.
We did opt to channel that "money saved" from the old commute into a more worthy pursuit...not having to clean our house. We hired the environmentally friendly non-toxic product using local cleaning service our next door neighbors use to to come to our house twice a month and give it the "crime scene clean" cleaning. Trust me, our place was so gross, we needed it. No black light best show any bodily secretions of any sort in any room! I am looking at you Toddler A.
This Thursday was their first time here and when I came home and turned on the lights to see the place that night after work, I almost cried. It just looked so nice. The first thing I did was wet a paper towel and wipe the kitchen floor to see how clean it was. You see, our kitchen floor is this grungy gray tile that makes it always look dirty and when we are here, it usually really is filthy. The paper towel test came back spotless! That may be when I lay down on it and did gray tile angels while moaning "clean....cleaaaan!"
(Brief reference to my favorite and really only memorable sceen from Gus Van Sant's My Own Private Idaho wherein some guy hires River Pheonix and Keanu Reeve's young male hooker characters to clean his house in nothing but aprons while he writhes around in ecstacy moaning "clean....cleaaaan!")
But serioulsy, I never really considered how big an impact a clean house can have on your psyche. A friend of mine once told me she hired a cleaner because she and her husband always fought over cleaning the house and that having a cleaner cut down on their fighting in general. I can see why. Both B and I were so happy to come home to a clean house. The mood has carried through to the weekend.
Anyway, tomorrow is my birthday and I am in no way happy to turn 42. There is a woman at work who interviewed me who at my first meeting Monday mentioned that her birthday is next week and she will be "halfway to 90" which means she is turning 45. The thing is, I thought she was in her 50s. She has a ton of gray hair and many wrinkles on her face and it really struck me, if she is only 3 years older than me, what the heck do I look like???
For so long I looked younger than my age and people were always shocked to find out how old I really was but around the time A was born, it all caught up with me and no one was surprised anymore. When I look in the mirror I am not sure what to think. I still want to look younger but am not really sure what I look like to others anymore. I might look close to 50 like this woman and not even be aware of it!
So today, as my birthday present, I scheduled myself an "anti aging facial" at my favorite salon that also sent me a "birthday coupon" for 25% off one service.
Ever since I became a mom, almost 7 years ago, I have had horrifying bouts of insomnia. It is always the same, I fall asleep no problem around 10-11pm, then come 2am, I am awake. And I mean A-WAKE! I lie in bed trying to fall asleep again and I do, around 5am. Then the alarm or the kids go off at 6am. The problem is this can happen every night for months.
For a while I used Benadryl and it would work to keep me mostly asleep. Then, when that sort of stopped working, I tried various dosages of melatonin. I spoke to my doctor about it and he tested my vitamin D levels which were too low so for a while it all improved when I was on these big ass prescription D pills. I slept great for some months, until I didn't.
My D levels are normal now, and I take an over the counter supplement to insure that. I exercise in the mornings and don't take caffeine past noon. But for the last month or so, I haven't been sleeping and with the new job on the horizon (I start this coming Monday!) I wanted to be fresh and not on the brink of death or zombiehood.
So I went back to the doctor and begged and begged and he finally prescribed me something. Trazadone. He gave me 50mg pills and told me to try one at night and the next night try 2 and see what worked best. Two made me too groggy to work out in the morning. One is not quite just right but when I do wake up in the wee hours of the morn to pee, I can usually fall asleep again within 15 minutes which is a huge improvement over 3 hours so I will take it.
But I noticed one more thing, I was generally happier. Then I noticed that Trazadone is primarily an antidepressant, the sleep thing is just a happy side effect . "Trazodone is also sometimes used to treat insomnia and schizophrenia (a mental illness that causes disturbed or unusual thinking, loss of interest in life, and strong or inappropriate emotions); anxiety (excessive worry)."
My doctor prescribed it to me saying it was the only sleep aid that didn't make your body dependent on it. In a sense, "I could stop any time I wanted to."
But you know? I don't want to.
I have not so secretly thought I could benefit from some sort of anti-anxiety med most of my adult life but I have been too scared to take them after the post partum depression Paxil episode wherein I gained 25 lbs in 6 weeks.
I find it hard to admit to myself that things are actually going really well right now. I sold the car which allowed me to pay off 90% of my credit card debt (which is our only debt as we don't own a house) and I start my new job on November 14. That was the big news over on "sekrit blog." I got a new job that I am very excited about and I will be making a good 30% more than I make now doing much more interesting work.
Next Monday I also start in group therapy specifically devoted to a group of "motherless moms of young kids." I have been needing such a group for a while and was so glad to find one, hosted by a psychologist who is herself a motherless mom.
So I feel like I am at this point in my life where things are going kind of well. LM is even doing great. Baby A has not pooped or peed all over the place for a couple of weeks now. There seems to be a general trend towards all things good.
Yet I find there is a big part of me that can't let myself truly breathe in the joy and relax. There is a part of me that wonders when the shoe will drop, what will come next. I am not sure why that is. I know I always have had a pessimistic streak, but I fear it has only gotten worse in the past couple of years what with the trisomy 18, double layoffs, mother dying, colic, eviction, ADHD, and all.
So I decided I was going to try to do my own sort of happiness project. Every day this month I am going to find something to be happy about. After all, I turn 42 this month. Holy crap, that just depressed me more. Now I have to see about finding something else to be happy about....hmmm....
Ok, so today here are some things that make me happy today, in no real order:
- seeing fall trees with loads or red or yellow on them
- not losing power due to the freak Halloween storm. Some of my good friends and family have only just recently got their power back!
- New favorite TV shows - so happy for the return of Beavis and Butthead and new show called Once Upon a Time (hey, don't judge me until you've seen them)
- Being able to talk about my favorite guilty pleasure reading material with a friend in CA who recently let me know she shares the same addiction
- LM was able to read a whole packet of simple stories out loud to us without our having to help with too many words.
- Toddler A getting her haircut without screaming, fighting, crying, pooping, peeing, or general mayhem. She just wanted her lollypop and sat dutifully while the hair dresser snipped away.
- And of course, my wonderful husband, children, and friends.
