Twelve Steps

Hi, my name is Meredith and I'm an alcoholic.

Except without the alcohol.  I've actually never been much of a drinker.

No, my drug is anxiety, specifically riling myself into a very unhealthy froth over my son's development and specifically as to if he has/will have autism.

This is how it began.  I was on bed rest for the last 2 months of a very tough pregnancy.  When you are relegated to the sofa for days on end, you watch a lot of TV.  A LOT.  I was watching the ABC news one morning when there was a special on autism and its growing epidemic.  The stress was on how if detected early enough, like in babies, the therapies and early intervention would have a significant impact - literally between the ability for a child to talk and read or not.  They suggested that if I wanted to learn more, to go to their site and read their special article.  I did and of course bookmarked it.

It outlined the early signs of autism.  Here is what they said:

At 6 months:

Not making eye contact with parents during interaction.
Not cooing or babbling.
Not smiling when parents smile.
Not participating in vocal turn-taking (baby makes a sound, adult makes a sound, and so forth).
Not responding to peek-a-boo game.

At 12 months:

No attempts to speak.
Not pointing, waving or grasping.
No response when name is called.
Indifferent to others.
Repetitive body motions such as rocking or hand flapping.
Fixation on a single object.
Oversensitivity to textures, smells, sounds.
Strong resistance to change in routine.
Any loss of language.

Then LM was born and things started to go a bit awry.  First there were the numerous and dreadful breastfeeding issues, then the post partum doula who told us not to vaccinate LM because he would get autism or ADD (this after he already had his first vaccination right after he was born), then the colic that lasted forever that we thought was a gastrointestinal problem.  Then there was my post partum depression. 

And of course the books that tell you the milestones.  There was also the 8 week well baby checkup where the pediatrician (the first one) came in and said, "Aren't you just loving the smiles?"  LM did not smile until he was 4 months old - 16 weeks.

At one of LM's numerous doctor appointments before he started to smile I asked his pediatrician if there were some baby's that just never smile. I was SO desperate for a smile.  Her answer, "Well some babies that have autism never smile at their parents." 

So that is how the mania began.

Add to that the fact that LM is a slow developer.  He was evaluated at Stanford at 8 months and had his evaluation with early start today.  The conclusion: moderate delays in gross motor, fine motor, and cognitive skills.  They said the cognitive delay is likely tied to the fine motor delay.  (He qualifies for the services and we shall have OT and another PT within the next 6 weeks.)

Mix in my usual flair for the negative, stir in some anxiety, and you get the crazy lady.

I knew I had a problem a while back.  I could not stop reading autism sites.  I could not stop thinking he had it and it was obviously causing problems.  I was panicked, B and I were fighting, I was worried about LM, my marriage, my sanity.  I admitted to myself that I had a problem (step 1) and so I found a therapist through my health insurance and began therapy.

I was doing pretty well.  Time went by, LM developed more and did some new things, I calmed down.  I gave my autism books to another friend who's 3 year old was just diagnosed, I stopped reading the links.  But deep down, I still knew that I thought he was autistic.  That I was just biding time until he was diagnosed at 2 or 3 years old.  I hid this for obvious reasons.

Well it all came to a head yesterday and today.  I had been so confident that LM was developing so well so I decided to see the 12 month milestones, because I thought he would have mastered them since he was already doing so much.  Then, as you read, I panicked because he didn't meet 75% of them.  Then the autism anxiety came back with a vengeance.

Today is the day that I realized that my problem is hurting other people, people I love more than anything:  my husband, my parents, and most importantly, my son.

After Michaela's post, I really thought about the fact that LM might be picking up on my panic over his not meeting the milestones.  I hated feeling like I might be giving my child a complex.  That I would be causing the least bit of pain in his life.  B and I had many conversations, some of them tense and angry, others the type which would make Dr. Phil proud.

Then I got the call.  My mother is my rock, the person I trust most in this world.  The one person who loves me more than anything and can always be counted on to be there for me.  She had called the other day to confirm that LM would have his evaluation this morning.  She reminded me that he would be fine.  That there was nothing wrong with him (nothing referring to the autism, not his known gross and fine motor delays).  I then told her about how is missing 75% of the milestones.  She got off the phone obviously unhappy.

The call today was the clincher.  She told me that after she got off the phone with me yesterday she cried because she didn't know how to help me.  She didn't know what she could do to help me stop focusing on the negative/autism and start focusing on how wonderful LM is and all the things he is doing and learning.  All the things he will master with the PT and OT he will now receive.

It made me really sad.  But it also made me see the situation with new eyes.  Like an alcoholic who admitted they were an alcoholic but still drank in secret, I had not focused on how my disease was hurting those who love me most.  I had known that my anxiety and unhealthy obsession was hurting me but when you are the only person at stake, you can often over look bad things you do to yourself.  I know I am not the only person out there who has felt this.

It is when I realized that I wasn't just hurting myself, but really hurting those that I love, that I really realized what was going on.  And that I really REALLY need to change.  That I need to be clean and sober (step 2).

Thankfully I will see Dr. Lara on Sunday.  We have much to discuss.

Comments

[Michaela]

Party on, woman! We are all pulling for you.

[Melissa]

It's true, we are all pulling for you! You have had such a bumpy road that I don't blame you for being worried, but kids are all different. My brother was walking at 9 months, I didn't walk until 15 months. It's most obvious in my mom's group, where the babies are all the same age, yet differ wildly in their abilities. One baby can stand on his own; another baby can't roll over yet. LM seems like a happy, very well-cared-for baby, and I know you just want to enjoy him. Therapy rules!

[Scott]

Rock on, Meredith. It takes a lot of guts to face one's inner demons and to openly and publicly admit them. Believe me, I know and I've been there myself.

I've also had to deal with my own similiar anxiety/mental obsession problems, especially after Vivaldo. I really lucked out with having my great counselor Bob, who worked from a cognitive perspective. He taught me very useful tools for how to objectively observe the patterns of my own thinking, and how not to feed them to make them worse.

Believe me, I do understand and relate to what you're going through. And you're not alone. Love you!

[kate]

Damn. . .this post floored me. I can really, really relate. I'm glad things are getting better for you.