Grass=Green

When LM was very little, maybe less than 2 months old, we would go to an infant massage class at a nearby hospital.  I was still on maternity leave so having something to do every Wednesday, a reason to shower if you will, was matched by the desire to meet local women with babies.  There were a total of 4 moms in the class, two of whom had named their sons "Evan" because they wanted an unusual name.  All of us first time moms, we got along so well and were able to help each other calm down with the "Does your baby do this?" sorts of things.  It was nice to know, for instance, that LM wasn't the only baby with intense gas (like daddy!).

Even though I was the only one to return to work full time, we all kept in touch and would meet up for lunch occasional Fridays at a place that was so noisy, they could care less that there were babies there.  One of the massage moms' in particular became a good friend.  I think one of the things that drew  me to her is that she is a pediatric physical therapist and she would give me advice regarding LM and answer questions I had.  When I was trying to find a PT, she offered to work with LM every week for free until I found one.  She gave me hand outs to explain how to do certain exercises but also would want to get together for walks with the boys or play dates.

Recently, via email, she set me up with the dad of one of her clients.  Their son had been recently diagnosed with a mild form of CP (cerebral palsy) and they had asked her for advice on daycare and nannies.  She thought of me.  It was a match made in heaven.

For the past week we have been emailing each other novels on what we have gone through, what we are currently doing with the kids, our concerns, fears, etc.  Needless to say, it has been so nice to meet someone going through such similar things - first time parents with boys who are developmentally delayed and have some sort of brain damage.  The boys have a lot in common - not crawling, pulling to stand, holding a stand, having to learn to sit up by themselves, not trying to pick up food or eating textures.  We talk mundane details like who are your doctors, case workers, specialists, and what do they say?  We talk about our fears of the child's future, our abilities to cope with everything, fears of having another child who might have the same condition.  We share stories of things that have worked for us - what toy gets the boy to want to stand and play, what makes him want to roll/inchworm over to get.

His advice to me about trying to get LM to pick up food - Cheetos.  It worked for his son when cheerios and fruit loops failed.  It is now properly featured on today's grocery list amongst all the organic baby foods.  Yep, my goal is to have my kid's hands, mouth, and face smeared with that iridescent orange toxic waste.  Anything if he will try to pick up food to put in his mouth!  Next - M+Ms!  Oh wait, that is a choking hazard.  Hmm, pork rinds?

Yesterday we met them.  There is a national music program for kids age 0-4 called Music Together.  We had gone in the summer and it features many things that make adults cringe - namely singing out loud about owls and prancing in a circle like a horse.  But the kiddies, they love it.  They get to bang drums, run around with colorful scarves, roll balls back and forth, and dance.  The leader is usually someone who is really good with kids, can sing and play instruments, and has no shame. The summer instructor, Teacher David, had clearly escaped the Renaissance Faire and had no problems singing things like, "My balls are big and brown and I roll them on the ground."

Anyway, the winter session was starting and there was a free intro session yesterday that I was going to attend with some massage moms.  I invited the new family.

You know how the grass can seem greener on the other side?  Well that pertains to kids with disabilities too.  Their son is 13 months old, 2 months older than LM, he can't walk or crawl but can sit up on his own and roll around.  But he is also the most social baby I have ever met.  He is so smiley and loving.  He is one of those kids that melts your heart the instant you lay your eyes on him.

Suddenly, it seemed like all the dad and I had shared about our concerns for our children, didn't seem so shared anymore.  I looked at their son and thought, "What are they thinking?  This kid is fine!  He is going to be fine!"  In a way, I felt alone again.  Despite LM's recent motor skill developments, I think I still measure how ok he will be by how social he is.  He does not still sustain eye contact, have a social smile, answer to his name, or try to copy us.  He looks at people and his environment, and he will even inchworm to people, look at them, and then try to play with their shoes or pant legs, but he is not the super cuddly social melt your heart with one look baby.

Interestingly enough, the dad was very impressed with LM's increasingly speedy inch worming, which I think we can now call "army crawling" because hips and feet are now used more.  He looked at his son with a sad expression  at one point and mentioned how he still does not crawl, just sort of rolls some.

The grass for him too seemed a little greener.

But to even add more to the perspective, we had a substitute nanny on Friday.  Our nanny is off to Tahoe with her fiance and baked potato sized dog.  And yes, she did buy the dog a winter coat and snow booties.  Don't ask.

The sub works as a special needs assistant in the school district.  She helps kids with developmental disabilities navigate the classes and do their homework.  When she and I took LM for a walk she told me about a lot of the students she has worked with.  Some of them can't do hardly anything, they can't talk, read, or even sit up by themselves.  Much of the time, her job is to try to entertain them during the school day by whatever means possible.  She spoke of one boy with severe CP who would only respond to music so they basically just had to keep the music going. 

I told her about my unhealthy relationship with obsessing on autism and she went on about kids she worked with who had autism.  Her comment was in the spectrum of disabilities, in her experience, autism was not that bad.  She'd seen worse, far worse.

Plus, she loved LM and had a lot of fun playing with him.  She kept commenting on all the things he could do and how he was easy to make laugh.  This is indeed one of the great things about LM, the kid has a sense of humor and the sweetest cutest laugh in the world.

But the whole thing did make an impression on me.  Things could be better sure but things could be much worse.  I have spent more than my share of time feeling sorry for us and for LM but the reality is, there are parents who lose their kids to cancer and parents who never really get a chance to know their kids because their disabilities are so severe.  I get so caught up on wanting the perfect social and smiley baby, that at times I don't take into consideration how excited he gets when I walk in the room and how he squeals and laughs whenever he sees his dad.  I don't take into consideration how he has such a great personality and that I get to have him.  I get to see the improvements!  Did I mention he started eating the chunky level 3 jars of baby food without gagging and trying to spit it all out? 

There are all those life lessons.  I remember when bad or awkward things would happen when I was a kid and my parents would always say they were "character building" or "life lessons" and I just wanted to spit.  I mean, how much character does anyone need? 

I think all children teach their parents something, even the child who seemingly is perfect.  I have seen friends of mine with babies I consider perfect, lament how horribly their baby sleeps, or how spirited their baby is.  I think in a way, we all tend to view the grass being greener on the other side.

I definitely want to seek out and meet some more parents of "challenging" and/or developmentally disabled kids though.  This week, writing non-stop back and forth with the dad, it made a real difference.  It was nice to not feel so alone.

And now I have an excuse to have Cheetos in the house!

Comments

[Amy]

Meredith,

Another beautifully written entry. I'm glad you have a plan to meet other parents and that might help you.

I laughed out loud about Music Together - because Ziad did one session of that class with Willow. It almost killed him. If it didn't cost so bloody much, I think he would have given up. One time our schedules were switched so I brought Willow to the class, and I spent the whole hour trying my hardest not to laugh out loud at the thought of Ziad sitting there every week. On the plus side - the CD of music we got from that class was Willow's favorite for a long, long time.

Amy

PS I think you should turn these blogs into a book someday.

[Michaela]

I struggle with this concept all the time (being grateful for what I have, versus being sad that I could be "better"). I definitely think being happy with what you have is the healthier side of the equation. Still, if we were never shown the way things "could be," would we want to work to make things better?

It comes down to frame of mind, I guess. Healthy hope vs. destructive envy.

Let me know when you discover the deeper meaning of life, k?