Naked

Warning:  this post is pretty personal to me.  I am writing it in hopes that by getting it out of me, into the open, I might be able to help myself deal better with this issue.  I would like the weight to be lifted, literally. 

I am fat and I hate it.  I have always been chubby - a genetic predilection passed down from my mother's side of the family where obesity runs wild and free.  People who meet my mother would be shocked to hear that she was an obese child/teen and is only able to maintain her weight through 50+ years of daily diet and exercise.  Even though her figure looks "normal" to others, it is because of her daily struggle which my brother and I have inherited.

I remember once, as a teen, when she found me crying about how hard it was to be fat yet how hard it was to lose weight, she started to cry too.  She apologized to me and said that one of the reasons she fell in love with my father was that he was so naturally skinny and she hoped her kids would be too because she didn't want them to go through what she did.  She was sorry, she had failed me.  The genes were too strong.

I also remember hearing her cry and peeking in the crack of the bedroom door to see her crying naked in front of a mirror and talking about how she hated her body.  My father hugged her and told her how beautiful she was and I slunk away unnoticed because it was too intimate and personal a moment for me to witness.

Anyway, this issue goes way back but this past year has been particularly rough.  I am going to give you numbers now and this is the equivalent of me standing in front of you all naked so I am going to trust you.  This is hard for me but I think by saying it, maybe I can get past it and maybe I can help myself better.

For the majority of my adult life I have weighed between 175-185 pounds.  I am tallish (5'8") and pretty broadly built so people would be surprised to hear I weighed so much.  It was always an issue for me but I was able to pretty much maintain that weight for 10 years.  In college, at my pre-fattest, I was 200 pounds and had promised that I would never get there again.

I got pregnant and right before LM was born, I was at 225 pounds.  I remember 2 weeks after he was born, I was 205 pounds and figured that the next 20 would not be so hard to lose. Then I got post partum depression, was put on Paxil, and was up to 225 again within a month and a half.  I have been off of the paxil for almost a year and still struggle with that "paxil weight."

Needless to say, it took me 2 months of strict dieting to get to 213 lbs and a week and a half to gain 5 back so that today I am 218 lbs - when almost two weeks ago I was 213 lbs.

What happened?  Well, I'll tell you.  I ate 1500 calories a day, but for the past week or so, I have had some candy and some other junk every day.  I followed the weight watchers point system to a tee all this time, adjusting my caloric intake to account for the candy and junk.  But the simple truth is, I can't eat like most people and I hate coming to this realization time and time again and having it not make an impact.

Here is what I know about my body:  I can't eat sugar and I can't eat more than 1500 calories and not gain weight.  Seriously, I have spent weeks eating controlled foods counting every single calorie.  I can do a whole bootcamp session and eat 1500 calories in a day, but if I eat so much as what seems like a single solitary M+M, I am up the next day - and it isn't water weight.

And it kills me.  It kills me that I can't be "normal."  It always has.  I have two close friends from childhood who are naturally thin.   One in particular, L,  has a model body and in fact, does indeed model in NYC, but the woman can eat more than anyone I have ever met.  It has not been unusual for the three of us to go out to eat and and L finishes her meal and the rest of ours and still wants more. 

I am a social person by nature, though admittedly much less so these days, and of course most social events tend to take place around food.  I have always watched to see how other people ate (creepy, no?) and wondered how people can eat as they do and not struggle as I do on a daily basis.

I won't lie to you. I've been jealous and I've hated myself and I have thought self pitying loathsome thoughts. It has been my personal cross to bear, my demon, my horrible secret.

Now I know, and am very well aware, that all god's "chill'n got stuff."  I have yet to meet the person who doesn't have their own inner demon, no matter how good they look.  I can say to myself that yes, I am fat and I can't eat like normal people do and I can't lose weight like normal people do and I can't look good like normal people do, but it isn't like I am living with chronic pain, illness, or the host of things that many other people have to deal with every day. 

It doesn't take too much to make me realize that overall I am pretty blessed.  Every day I think of the dearly missed Cancer Baby who was struck down in her early 30s by ovarian cancer and never got the opportunity to be a mother, something she desperately wanted.  I have a wonderful life overall with a loving supportive husband and most of all, I have LM who fills my heart with so much love, even when I am hating myself for my body. 

I remember a blogger who wrote about how her husband told her, after she had her third child and had gained more and more after each pregnancy, that no one respects a man with a fat wife.  That if she didn't lose weight fast, he would leave her.  Of course, she ended up leaving him.  I relay this because I know how good I have it.  I have B who has loved me no matter what my size and who is a wonderful person in his own right.

But you know, loved and loving, I still wish that  I could be "normal." I wish that I could lose weight through normal diet and exercise like "normal" people.  I wish that I didn't have to work out like crazy and monitor every tiny mouthful of food to maybe lose a pound a week, if lucky.  I wish that one M+M or piece of bread didn't automatically tip the scales upwards.  I wish that my metabolism was different.  I wish that I were different.

I really admire Fluent Soul for giving up dieting, accepting her body and just focusing on health.  I wish I could get into that frame of mind.  I just can't accept my body as it is.  I can't accept that if I get pregnant again, I might end up being even heavier than I am now.  I can't imagine thinking of my current clothes as my "skinny" ones.  As it is, I have my pre-pregnancy clothes hidden away in the closet.  I want them around so that I can aspire to wear then again, yet I want them out of sight because I can't imagine being more miserable about my weight on a daily basis if I saw them hanging in the closet mocking me.

Yes, this is a problem.  It impacts my self esteem obviously.  I have high enough self esteem to not let other people treat me badly but I have low enough self esteem to beat myself up daily. I have been tested for all sorts of physical metabolic things and no, nothing unusual has showed up.  The thing is, this is me, this is what I have to deal with and the sooner I come to real terms with it and give up the idea that I will ever be able to eat what I conceive to be "normally" then the sooner I can get back to chubby and say goodbye to obese.  In Brokeback Mountain terms, "sugar, I really wish I could quit you."

I just wish it were that easy.

(No, this will not be a diet blog.  I am toying with the idea of creating a private blog to write about this sort of stuff but I will not bore people more with this issue.  I just needed to get it out of me in hopes that by opening up and standing there naked, I can finally accept that I am different and that I need to find a new "normal" just for me that will be my standard of normal eating.

If you comment, please be kind.  Think of how you'd feel if you just exposed your personal demon.)

Comments

[depressionista]

Meredith, I don't have time to read this in its entirety right now so I'll read and comment later..but I just wanted to let you know that I JUST--like 2 minutes ago--posted an entry about being fat, before seeing yours up here. I am looking forward to reading this.

And for solidarity's sake, I'm 5'7 and 240 pounds.

I'll be back.

[Jul]

Oh, gawd, honey... that was tough to read. You're battling a lot of the same demons as me (and we are almost the EXACT same height/weight/build.. wanna swap clothes?). I've gradually become MORE okay with who I am, and think I'll be even more self-loving if/when I can start up an exercise program, but... eesh. Being fat colors EVERYTHING in your life. Sometimes, I feel like years of carrying excess weight (265 at my heaviest, 198 after a year of nursing) have "broken" me in some way; that even if I could swallow a magic pill to make me skinny, my self-image and confidence would still be permanently damaged.

[depressionista]

First let me say that I applaud your courage to come out with your real feelings about this. Secondly, feel free to write about it here whenever you want to--you don't need a separate blog, it's part of your life. Thirdly, I'm so sorry this is troubling you so, but I know where you're coming from.

I too have watched what other people eat, have done the militant exercise thing, got my thyroid tested (I do have PCOS, but I'm also just lazy and like to eat bad stuff), and at the moment, have pretty much given up--but not without some self-loathing and disgust.

I've come to the conclusion that having a baby raises your "plateau level" by about 20 pounds. I remember eating whatever I wanted, not exercising at all, and staying at 223 pounds for years. Then, after Bubba was born, I slimmed way down while I was nursing and then promptly ballooned to my current 240 where I've been holding steady for awhile.

The story about your mother really touched me, because I already worry that Bubba will be a fat kid or an obese adult because both his father and I are heavy. I also worry that Bubba will sense my own self-disgust and incorporate that into the way he feels about himself. I want to set a good example, not just physically, but also mentally, by accepting myself at any weight, but it's difficult. I'm making progress...but there's still part of me that just feels like I'm a lazy slob.

I wish we didn't have to live in a world that is so competitive and so focused on the "norms" or the "ideals."

I don't have any great advice for you right now, other than two things that have helped me some is a) buying clothes that fit me and that I think are cool even if I look a little silly in them and b) put my real weight on my driver's license. I know that sounds dumb, but it was like fessing up or something, and freeing in a way. But I know these don't address the deep pain you feel. Writing about it is a good start. Keep doing it whenever you feel the urge. We're here for you.

[sarlivesound]

All I can say is that you're a brave and terrific woman to put all that out for the world to read. Scary, no? But I hope it's cathartic for you and I hope you find peace with yourself someday.

[lilcherie]

Wow...I have spent most of my life battling the fat demons as well. Unfortunately, I dont really have height on my side. I am 5'3" and 206. It seems that I do my best when I take it in small steps, not that I should be giving advice but if I go all out, I seem to crash and burn much faster. Keep posting about this issue! I think it helps all of us!

[Melissa]

Oh...this makes me so sad.

I honestly don't see you or think of you as fat. I just see you as you: a true wit, a great friend, a wonderful writer (which I never knew about you before I read you here!), a loving mother and wife who successfully juggles a much busier life than mine. I'm sure none of that makes a difference in your opinion of yourself but I just thought I'd say it anyway. There is so much more to you than what you look like.

My demons are different, but I have spent my entire life longing to feel normal so I definitely hear you on that one.

Try to be kind to yourself!

[Megan]

I'm there with you. I'm not quite 5 feet tall, and I weigh 171 pounds. My adult lightest was 129, and this is my all-time heaviest. I feel pretty out of control, too.

[boxing octopus]

i feel you, sister.
that's all ... just want you to know you're not alone in that boat.

[Vera]

Whoopee for evolution! For generations, our ancestors hoarded every calorie they got and stayed fit and strong. Now our bodies do the same thing and we feel pathetic while the inefficient calorie burners get on the covers of magazines.

Maybe I'm not big enough to empathize at 5'5" and 162 lbs. (although I am struggling constantly with my unhealthy love for sugar), but I admire your courage and I admire a lot of other things about you, including your ability to keep up writing well in your blog despite about 10 million other things in your life.

I can't offer any suggestions, just support.

And for the record, I've never thought you were fat.

[fluentsoul]

I've been offline and am late reading this, but I want to comment anyway. Meredith, I so totally know how you feel. Yeah, I've given up dieting and am working hard on self-acceptance, but after I saw the pics of myself from my son's b-day party, I bawled my eyes out and asked my husband if I should have weight loss surgery. (His answer was no, btw.) I'm 5'5" and weigh at least 250. It sucks, even though I try not to let it suck.

I saw your family pic that you posted a while back, and I think you look beautiful. And you're funny and smart and kind. I wish you could look in the mirror and see those things about yourself.

And for the record, I enjoy your blog thoroughly, whether you're baring your soul or talking about thongs in the shower.

[bri]

I have now taken to wearing thongs in the shower as a show of moral support.

That, and to get into training for my sumo career.

(My wife is an awesome hottie. So there.)

[Jessica]

I know you won't believe me, but I have been writing (in my mind so far) a post about this very topic. It never ceases to amaze me how many people are tortured by a variation of the same demon.
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
(Almost as sorry as I am to now have the mental image of Bri in a thong, in the shower.)
But don't loose sight of all of the things that make you the wonderful person that you are, at the end of the day that's what matters.

[vegankid]

this is a really great post. i was wondering if you would mind if i include it in the third edition of the Big Fat Carnival. Unfortunately i am publishing the carnival today, so i only have about an hour before it goes live. But if you can email me within the hour, i will definitely keep some space open for you. Just let me know. I think people need to read this as much as you needed to write it.

[Suzanne]

Meredith, you're awesome. You are smart and genuinely kind (a rare combination). I was so happy when Brian met you and I think you're beautiful.

I have my own weight and image issues and man, I hear you... it's soooo hard. My mom has spent her life battling weight and I've been determined to try to dodge the genetic and toxic mind game legacy. Not because I didn't want to be overweight necessarily, but because she seemed so *unhappy*. When I became a lifetime member of weight watchers, I thought something magical would happen. But my self-image issues were still there.

So, no big words of wisdom or advice, just... we support you, we've been there, and you rock.

By the way -- I've decided that I'm 36, dammit, I'm not getting any younger or thinner, and I've decided to get a TWO PIECE bathing suit this summer. I'm going to put my stretch marks, varicose veins and post-preggie-flab on display for all. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be perfect to wear sexy clothing. Fuck it. Life is too short.